Shampoo stealer

Josh “Alright, I hear you. Can you be quiet for like fifteen minutes? I just need to write one more paragraph and then I’m getting ready for bed.”

Ted “Are you gonna shower?”

I throw him a glance of pure impatience.

Josh “The thing is, I’m the last person that will tell you to go fuck yourself, but as of now I’m the only person who hasn’t.”

He leans his body against the side of my desk, his legs crossed; his hand massaging the back of his neck. He appears to be deep in thought.

Ted “So, if everyone else has told me to fuck myself, except for you, then you’re saying it’s been you this whole time?”

Josh “Are you retarded? Do you have any idea how much you stress me out on a daily basis? You’re worse than my girlfriend.”

Ted “You guys didn’t break up?”

Josh “Ex-girlfriend”

Ted “Thought so.”

Josh “My point is, you two are the only people I know that genuinely piss me off to the point where I wish a blood vessel in my brain would pop so the blood would clog my ears and I could slip into the bliss that is a world without being subjected to the shit that spews from your mouth every five minutes.”

Ted “Just tell me the truth then. I know you’re the one that’s been using my shampoo.”

Josh “Damn dude. ‘Just tell me the truth.’ You sound exactly like her.”

Ted “Like who?”

I paused, straining my neck towards him, mouth half open and eyes quizzical. The look of a man silently questioning another man’s intelligence.

Josh “My ex-girlfriend.”

Ted “You don’t have to make everything about your ex. It’s not healthy.”

Josh “This isn’t about my ex at all. This is about you interrogating everyone on this floor about your shampoo that mysteriously pours itself down the drain. And comparing you to my ex-girlfriend is supposed to be an insult. I mean, you’re the one who told her to get her psycho-babbling, attention-seeking, controlling-bitch self out of my life. Plus, people are sick of you sneaking whiffs of their hair when you think they aren’t paying attention. It freaks out a lot of people.”

Ted “Well I’m not sorry. Not until somebody admits to using up my shampoo. Smelling their hair is genius. My nose is locked on to the aroma of berry tea mixed with orange flower. You can’t mistake that smell. And until I catch somebody red-handed this is my best way of catching them.”

Josh “That’s retarded.”

Ted “Now that you know I’ve smelled your hair, what do you have to say for yourself? You can’t weasel your way out now.”

Josh “My head is shaven. I don’t use shampoo. Especially not shampoo that makes me smell like a closet homosexual.”

Ted “Fine. But I won’t stop until I know who’s responsible.”

Josh “I know.”

Ted “I’m serious, dude.”

Josh “That’s why I sound so annoyed.”

-----------------------------------------

Matt “I thought you were gonna talk to Hardy boy about the shampoo thing.”

Josh “I did. It goes right over his head.”

Matt “You should probably just tell him it’s you pouring his shampoo down the drain. It was funny at first but now all the girls on the floor won’t talk to us when he’s around. And it’s his fault I’m losing progress with Stacy…”

I couldn’t help but snort a little bit when he said that.

Josh “Don’t try to use him as an excuse. Stacy has a boyfriend. Who she is faithful to. You guys are just friends. Why can’t friendship with a girl be enough?”

Ted “There is no such thing as just friends. Besides, you of all people know how faithful a ‘faithful’ girl really is.”

I thought I should be upset by this, but I really wasn’t. Maybe I was maturing or something. My hesitation must have made him realize what he said. Ted’s a good guy though; I know he didn’t intend to be cruel so I broke the tension.

Josh “Anyways, I’ll go find him and tell him it was me.”

Ted “He’s gonna be pissed. Tell him you’ll buy him a new bottle of shampoo.”

Josh “Shit. You’re right. We should go find him and watch him piss off some other people first. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

Ted “No, you won’t. You’re gonna let this drag out until he does something crazy and is court ordered to never interrogate people about shampoo again.”

Josh “Eh. Maybe. Depends on how I feel tomorrow.”

Ted “Which means…not any different than how you feel now.”

Josh “Pretty much.”

Ted “This funk of yours is killing me.”

Josh “Don’t make me one of your excuses too.”

Ted “Just deal with your shit and get yourself together.”

Josh “A true friend.”

Ted “Your only true friend.”

Damn it. He was right.